My husband is clearly depressed. He is also a proud man, and some degree of old-fashioned. I am 4 years younger than him, and am far more open to the idea of therapy and medication.
For context, he has dealt with his dad (whom he was close with) committing suicide when he was a teenager, a long-term girlfriend (whom he really wanted to marry) cheating on him with multiple men (including a good friend at the time) for years, and his best friend of 10 years (my brother) dying in a rafting accident that we were both part of. I've been struggling personally myself, but I have a few different things I'm trying, including therapy. He is unwilling to try therapy or medication, but isn't getting better, cause holy shit, that's a lot of unprocessed shit to deal with.
It's manifesting in really nasty ways, and hurting both of us. I don't think he means the things he says; I think he's hurting a lot and doesn't know what to do.
For what it's worth, I really have not been great to him or myself. I've been dealing with my own emotional baggage, but I'm not going to get into that. I'm working on it, and feel like after many years of work, have come through a breakthrough where I understand that I do in fact want this person in my life.
How can I help guide him to anything that will help him? Doesn't need to be therapy, medication, or a psychiatrist. Those do seem like the obvious answers, but I'm open to virtually any suggestions.
This man is amazing and a wonderful person, but he's really struggling and doesn't seem to want help, but at the same time, seems like he needs/wants help. Any thoughts?
Edit: I'm really touched by all of the thoughtful responses I've received. I don't like to talk about my marital issues with people in my life, and I know my husband wouldn't want others to know what he's struggling with. This is a great community.
I'm slowly working my way through each response. Seriously - thank you all.
Well, from what you’ve told me, you’ve got about as good a chance or better as any other couple I’ve seen. Your own strength to stay by his side through this says a lot about the person you are, AND the person he is. It says you’re the kind of person who willing to fight for the important things, and he’s the kind of person worth fighting for.
I think a lot of folks don’t take the whole “in sickness and in health” part seriously. I genuinely try not to judge folks because you really never know everything that goes on inside a marriage that isn’t yours, but I have a hard time not judging when I hear of couples splitting amid physical or mental health issues. Like… that’s what the vows are for. That’s why making the commitment is important in the first place. Because shit will get hard and it will be harder for some than others. If there’s no commitment, there’s no marriage.
But one thing is for sure… while we are definitely in a really good spot now, we’re not past it and we never will be. That’s why commitment is so important. One of the things I do is stick around and that’s probably the biggest piece of what I contribute to her progress. I fuck up for sure… and some of that makes her mental health trip up. One time, I forgot to fill one of her meds that has really bad withdrawal symptoms around Christmas (and she already really doesn’t like Christmas for a lot of reasons). It was when the face tingles started that I realized she had the med in nearly a week! But I ain’t going anywhere. Doesn’t sound like you are either.