Hello everyone, sorry for the lengthy post and possible english mistakes in advance, english is not my first language so I hope you can bear with me :) I hope I don't come across as rude or disrespectful, I'm still fairly new to the topic gender identity in general.
Context For almost 2 weeks I'm actively questioning my gender identity, after i watched some trans youtuber. Some of their feelings resonated with my and at several points I thought: "huh, that sounds familiar..." I'm 27 years old and AMAB, I've never really questioned my gender actively (Exclamation on "actively"). But in the past 2 weeks many memories I had almost forgotten resurfaced. But many of these experiences are from the time before my current 7 year relationship. So I'm not really sure if could trust those "distant" memories or if I am just warping them to fit my current interest. I hope you get what I mean. When I was a child I had been diagnosed with ADHD and from time to time i fall into a hyperfocus where I'm extremely interested in specific topics. I think i might suffer from a mild case of imposter syndrom. I have many accomplishments i should feel proud of (I have a fairly decent bachelors degree in mechanical engineering and am almost finished with my masters degree), but I always have the feeling I don't deserve them or am just more lucky than my peers. With these things out of the way:
Here are some of these experiences, with my instinctive responses These are in no particular order and I have even more saved in a .doc file :D
- Whenever I play a game i choose female instinctively, sometimes I don't even play a game if there's no female character the game is much less compelling to me.
- I think that's true for many cishet men, atleast 3 of my close friends tend to choose female characters too.
- I draw, but when I'm drawing characters I always want to draw women
- I guess that's also true for many cishet men (?)
- Eventhough I like to draw women and always wanted to draw myself as one, there was always some kind of barrier which prevented me from doing that...
- Last week I finally did it and somehow the picture gave me some... "interesting" feelings (almost like a longing?)
- When I have the feeling if another player in a mmo assumes that i'm female, it always feels kind of nice
- could be a roleplaying thing but i dunno...
- We have a Call of Cthulhu roleplaying group in which I'm playing a woman. Whenever I'm spoken to with female pronouns, referred to with her given name or if my character receives a compliment it feels really nice
- This year we had a murder mystery party where I played a women. I burrowed a nice dress from my girlfriend, put on some clip-on earrings and wore a pair of 6cm heels. I've felt surprisingly confident even more after i received some compliments from the female players for my appearance.
- Maybe the confidence boost came from the heels lol
- I've remembered in my last middle school year I went during the costume week in a dress from my mother and received some compliments then too and had similar feelings (11 years ago i think) and also felt weirdly confident
- I guess everyone likes to receive compliments?
- During high school my favourite manga which I read several times was a genderbender manga where the protagonist trasformed into a girl. I was kind of envious of the protagonist and was sad that I could never experience something like this. (8 years ago)
- That's a normal feeling among adolescents right?
- During my apprenticeship (7 years ago) one of the other apprentices said to my drivers license picture "You look like cute lesbian". In that moment I felt complimented
- Why would you even say something like that?! :D
- 8 years ago I played in the youth club of our local theater. Someday one of the others came out as Transmale. While always referred to him as male and respected his decision my instinctive thought was: "Why would anybody want to be a boy, they have nothing going for them".
- Later this year when I watched some trans women on youtube about there coming out stories my instinctive thought was: "Yep sounds absolutely logical! I get why you would want to transition"
- If I had the option to change my gender in an instant without any consequences i would do that.
- I guess that's quite the telling point, but the thing is, while I had these thoughts often during my time in school. Since my relationship the thought never (I think) came back to me. But my response to the question is still the same. Maybe it's just curiosity?
As already said, there are some more points, but I don't want to draw it out even further. I've also did my due diligence and read the gender dysphoria bible (which is fantastic open document imho) and there were a few points I could very much relate to, especially at the imposter syndrom chapter and the euphoria chapter... But the whole situation leaves my rather restless (and sleepless). Yesterday I confessed to my girlfriend about these feelings and she's been really supportive and awesome, which calmed me down a fair amount.
You almost reached the End! If you have any thoughts about any of these points please, please share them with me! And also, when did you "realise" you were transgender, were there points in your live where you didn't even thought about it or was it more of a constant nagging feeling? I can't even really tell why all this confusion surfaced like this with such strong emotions. Maybe because it never occured to me until recently that changing your gender is an active and possible choice you have, but maybe its just my ADHD lol.
Thank you very much for reading!
TL;DR: Got complicated feelings about resurfacing memories and am questioning my gender, please share your stories :)
I want to start off by assuring you that all of these confusing and sometimes contradictory feelings are very normal. I highly recommend the Gender Dysphoria website which is what helped me realize I am a woman back in October.
https://genderdysphoria.fyi/
For me, a lot of this website resonated with me on such a deep personal level that it made me realize that all these small intimate moments and memories actually added up to a lifetime of dysphoria being AMAB.
Sure, a lot of your examples could be interpreted to be something that cishet men like to do. But you have quite a large list of examples plus more in a word doc. That tells me this is more than a "typical" cis man would experiment with or experience.
I would suggest maybe looking back on your life and try and think of how you felt when doing typically masculine things. Or being perceived as masculine. For me, I've mostly felt uncomfortable and even unsafe in situations where I felt I needed to put on a "macho" persona to fit in. And on the other side of the coin, when I was perceived as feminine, that gave me a sense of safety and comfort. For example, many times as a child I was mistaken for a girl because I had really long hair. People would profusely apologize but deep down I was happy to be thought of in that way. Even just for a second. I would get uncomfortable when someone would correct themselves and assure me that "I'm definitely a boy and very handsome" or some nonsense.
I think you realizing you enjoy being referred to with female pronouns might be something you should reflect more on.
And you're right on that last point. The fact that if you could wave a magic wand and instantly become a woman, tells me that maybe you need to explore that some more.
Nobody else can tell you if you are transgender or whatever identity. The only person that can do that is yourself. So this involves a lot of deep personal self reflective time in order to sift through all of the defense mechanisms and internal transphobia we have all developed in order to survive.
I will say this that has been my northern star through my journey.
Listen to your deepest self. Follow those moments of happiness and learn to care for yourself. You will find your peace ❤️
Good luck in your journey and no matter where you end up, know that there are people who support you! Feel free to reach out and DM me if you have more questions or want to talk :)
EDIT: I have terrible reading comprehension skills sometimes. I see you have already read through the gender dysphoria bible. Good starting place!
Thank you for your thoughtful replay oNevia, reflecting on masculine situations is a great advice! Actually I do remember there were instances i felt quite uncomfortable putting on a "fake" masculine facade. Especially during school sport events and when in changing rooms with other men/boys. On one hand are these moments relatively rare for me, but on the other hand I also don't really feel accomplished when acting in a typical male behaviour. I think I will pay closer attention to that aspect now.
I think in the future I need to leave my comfort zone and experiment more often. For a while now, I have the feeling im living on autopilot, so that's hopefully something that can help me!
Totally feel you on those masculine moments. Especially the locker room stuff in school. Those were some of the most self conscious and terrifying moments for me growing up.
If it helps. I started exploring outside of my comfort zone by focusing on what aspects about my body or expression that seemed to give me the most dysphoria.
So for example, I have always hated my body hair. Not that I am particularly hairy, but I realized I viewed body hair as a masculine trait. Hated how it made me feel. So the first thing I did when trying to explore my feminine side was shave everything. And not only shave but also take care of my skin. Moisturizer and better hygiene in general.
One, this gave me those bursts of gender euphoria and made me feel pretty and just a little more attractive. And two, I started actually taking care of my body which gave me the momentum to learn to start loving myself. And loving the woman inside.
I hope that helps ❤️