Seattle

Last week KING5 shared with you what fall fashions are totally out and not what to wear this season by being the first local news outlet to show you video of a young woman’s last moments of life before being smashed by a Seattle Police Department cruiser going three times the posted speed limit without a siren on. Hint: Black is out!

This week, we’re showing you what fall fashions are in if you want to stay both classy and not thrown 100 feet by a speeding cop SPD hired with a nice bonus just a year after his driving license was suspended in Arizona. And, hey, even if you do get struck and killed by one anyway, don’t you want to be proud of what everyone finds about your fashion sense when they inevitably ask, “But what was she wearing?” We thought so! Get these fall looks in your closet stat:

1. Last Year’s Carnival Costume from Your Trip to Rio

Why not samba your way to safety in some eye-catching, hi-viz colors? A cop couldn’t possibly run you over if you were dressed this fabulously. He’d immediately wonder if you’re his go-to on Aurora. It’s just a bonus that you’ll look like a freezing first-grade Thanksgiving turkey craft project come to life.

2. Novelty Foam Sheriff’s Hat

Woah there, cowboy. This 50-gallon hat is big enough to attract anyone’s attention, and the sheriff’s star lets SPD know you’re one of them.

3. Inflatable Hamster Ball

This not only keeps the rain off, but also gives you some cushion if you’re ever being punted down the street by a police cruiser. And, just so we’re clear: It’s the cruiser that causes the collision, definitely not the officer behind the wheel.

4. Phial of Galadrial with the Light of Earendil

You’ll need to make friends with some elves to get your hands on this hot accessory, but there’s nothing like the captured light of a star to make you visible to police officers who otherwise cannot be bothered to look for you.

5. Vibranium Black Panther Suit

If you’re dead-set on wearing black—or heaven forbid, being black—you should probably make sure you’re wearing high quality fabrics. That’s why we’re recommending all black attire should be made from Vibranium to protect you from unexpected impacts. Unfortunately, Vibranium is a bit expensive. So, this is really only an option for pedestrians SPD considers to be high value.

6. A Car

It’s made from several tons of steel, and newer models come with airbags that deploy on impact. As an added bonus, SPD considers you a real person if you’re inside of one.