this post was submitted on 31 Jul 2023
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Pretty much.
I spend my workweek masking, so when I get home to my family I’m too socially exhausted to do much more than repetitive behaviors, and socializing, even with family, is grating. I feel like I can breathe when I’m alone and not feeling watched/observed/perceived, but I still need time to let my hackles drop. It makes laundry, cleaning, preparing meals, shopping, running errands, scheduling, etc., so fucking hard to do, and it’s like I have a limited amount of attention/energy to devote to things, regardless of how much time I have. There are days when I get weeks worth or work done and months when I struggle to tread water.
The one bright light is that there are family members who don’t understand, but are patient, and ones who DO and I’m getting more comfortable saying “I don’t hate you, I love you, I just can’t stand you right now and I don’t want to snap at you to get you away from me, so please let me be”.
It was easier to balance when I had a more solitary job but… I couldn’t live on that money for long, so… :/
You know, I hadn't thought about it too much in this context, but I do more or less the same. When I'm around anyone at all, I'm conscious of all my behaviors. The only way I can really turn it off is weed/alcohol, and even then the instinct is just dulled a little, not switched off. I don't think the majority of people are nearly that aware of how each movement or sound they make might be perceived by others. It's largely unconscious for most. And I don't think it's an inherent wiring difference either.
I think growing up different and constantly having it impressed upon you that every single way you're different is wrong takes a toll. Other people are pushing you into a box and demanding you behave this way, not that way. Until you either learn to reject (at least some of) those rules or are pushed so far you burn out and can no longer conform, it's constant stress. And it's so constant that you probably aren't even fully aware of it, particularly if you're also alexithymic and generally have to work harder to identify your emotional state/response to a situation under the best of circumstances.
This leads me to another aspect. If we're viewed as too rigid, then allistics' intrinsic/core selves are perhaps comparatively more malleable. Their core underlying personality is perhaps more ready to adopt the behaviors and beliefs of the group. Quicker to be guided by faith. In which case, perhaps for an allistic person, this pushing and prodding doesn't create this emotional/mental tension in the same way it does when it pushes an autist to mask. Granted, this feels like it's painting an unreasonably broad brush, but maybe there's something to it.
Also, the most solitary jobs I know of are in the tech industry. Otherwise, for really isolated jobs, maybe fire watch or possibly lighthouse work if there are openings. If you have relevant skills, you might be able to work in web design, system administration, or as a programmer ("individual contributor") with minimal public interaction. I'm lucky enough that my managers have more or less recognized that I'm very reluctant to deal directly with customers, so I only have to interact with my small team for the most part. This likely would hurt my ability to progress to higher pay, but certainly avoids certain types of stress, and with the way the last half a decade has gone, I'm only just now reaching a point where I might have energy for that broader social interaction again.