I don't want to turn this place into my personal journal, so hopefully this is the last post of its kind that I do here (I do have a general question in mind to also post here though). Although I do wish this place was busier so that people could discuss their journeys without feeling like they're taking over, or feeling too exposed.
On the subject of labels. I am sticking with non-binary now and deciding to make the conscious effort to stop thinking of myself as an imposter or invader, whether I ever actually take any steps towards HRT or not. I feel 99% sure that if all of this stuff was openly discussed and accepted in my country when I was a kid, I would've read the definition of non-binary and been "Yup! That's me!" Just like when I finally read the definition way too late in life. And if that had been the case, I feel like a lot of things in life would've been better and made sense or felt fairer to me.
As far as HRT goes, I am very open to trying, mostly to see how it feels. I feel like as long as I have only ever known having T in charge of things, and have never experienced E driving me, part of me will always feel like an imposter. Reading up on the effects of switching to E, almost all of it sounds beneficial to me. Except for one of the two irreversible effects, breast growth. This is the difference between doing this without needing to explain anything to anyone and publicly coming out. I have seen people report that it starts fairly early. And I already have a kinda prominent chest and reason to believe it would end up being quite hard to hide.
Either way, it's not on the cards soon due to finances, living situation etc. And either way, I would still be non-binary because I am also 99% sure that if I was AFAB but still had the same personality and experience in a binary world, I would've also read the definition of non-binary and been "Yup! That's me!"
So for now, I'm actually happy owning this body and by extension the way society looks at me for a while longer. I'm happy being GNC at most for now. And I'm going to use this time to work on my mind, work on a regular income, work on my general health, work out, and prepare for what the future may bring.
If anyone responds here and I don't respond and / or upvote and stuff right away, it'll be because it's currently 2am here and I've finally fallen asleep. Although I am planning on another joint and cup of coffee.
Transfemme here, and I just wanted to say that anyone who refuses to accept you in a queer space would be a hypocrite. You're valid being you, whatever you happen to be feeling that day! A good friend of mine has an afab child who realized they were non-binary in early high school. They're in college now and doing just fine, though still exploring what that means to them. Just like we never stop learning our whole lives, I don't think we ever stop discovering things about our own selves, either. I didn't come out until I was 40, and there's a long road ahead of me to find out just how far down the femme road I need to go to feel right, too. Just hang in there and be the you that feels right! That's valid and should always be accepted!