this post was submitted on 31 Dec 2023
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Relationship Advice

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My [40m] situationship with a coworker [35f] is heating up but also giving me mixed signals (lemmy.world)
submitted 11 months ago by zcd@lemmy.world to c/relationship_advice@lemmy.world
12 comments fedilink hide all child comments
 

I’m not the best at explaining things but I’ll try here for anybody that is willing to read.

For the last year or so my coworker and I have been sort of been circling each other, doing a lot of activities together and keeping in fairly regular contact via text and calls. She and I were both coming out of relationships and not exactly ready for anything to happen immediately. But we are both very active and fit people with a lot of similar interests and we get along really great.

Eventually a mutual friend let me know that she was interested and frustrated that I hadn’t made a move on her. So on Christmas Eve She came to see me and we had an honest conversation that the attraction was mutual. We made out a little bit before she went home. Afterwards we talked about our intentions and expectations, we are both interested in a long-term stable relationship, we are both interested in getting to know the other a little bit, and agreed that we would get together In a few days. She postponed because she wasn’t feeling well but then suggested New Year’s Eve, so I waited a few days and checked in with her and she’s cancelled again saying that she would prefer to just stay home, without offering anything else, so I’ll just leave it at that for now.

I have been out of the dating game for a while so it’s just hard to play a cool just when things were starting to get spicy. Any suggestions on how to stay calm and not double text?

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[–] frickineh@lemmy.world 39 points 11 months ago

As a middle-aged single person, I would 100% say, "Yeah NYE, for sure!" then panic and realize that NYE tends to be kind of a shitshow and I'd really rather hang out in my pjs and go to bed early. Possible she just genuinely didn't want to go out. That said, it's also totally possible she just straight up realized she was more interested in the idea of dating but now that it's actually on the table, she's less sure?

Sounds like you've been honest and straightforward, which is all anyone can ask. It's really only been a week, so I wouldn't stress all that much. Text a happy new year message and see what happens.

[–] MNByChoice@midwest.social 37 points 11 months ago (1 children)

Sounds like you both did the mature thing and discussed your interest and expectations. May want to revisit that conversation with her.

Her having a friend prompt you too talk with her the first time is a bit worrying, she may be running an old dating script. It is unlikely that you will both default to the same script, so skip that and just talk.

Sorry, my fellow human, but this may not work out.

[–] zcd@lemmy.world 10 points 11 months ago (1 children)

Thanks I appreciate the insight

[–] rufus@discuss.tchncs.de 4 points 11 months ago

I came here to say the same thing. You've already proven you can talk about your feelings and expectations. Follow up on that. Be mindful of her wants and needs and give the potential relationship some space to grow. But continue to communicate your feelings. Talk to her if something is making you unsure. There may be other things involved, her everyday-life, old feelings and behavioral patterns. Maybe she just caught the flu and feels a bit off.

[–] Terces@lemmy.world 20 points 11 months ago

Be honest and just communicate your worries. Don't ask strangers, ask her. You can tell her the same things you wrote here. That you're out of the dating game and unsure what's going on, but that your intentions and wishes haven't changed and that you just wanted to check, whether the two of you are still on the same page.

Openness and communication is key for every relationship. Besides...the first step into a relationship is dropping the game of "coolness" and letting her see the real you, with all the emotions and insecurities there may be.

[–] Kecessa@sh.itjust.works 20 points 11 months ago

If you've done activities together for the last year just... Continue doing those activities and add some extra time together to get to know each other better while you're at it!

[–] joeyv120@ttrpg.network 9 points 11 months ago

Maybe she's scared. Maybe she's hesitant. Maybe she was in a really bad relationship. Maybe it's health problems. Maybe she's not interested after all. No way to know what's going on in her head, even if you ask. If I were in your shoes I'd say, "hey. I'm feeling mixed signals because of xyz. I'd still like to do this but if you don't want to, that's okay too. If it's only that you're not ready, just let me know when you are."

[–] MudSkipperKisser@lemmy.world 5 points 11 months ago

Maybe she’s still sick and not feeling well, we don’t always communicate well when we’re feeling crappy. This is my first thought because I’ve been sick Christmas through now New Year’s and I know it’s going around everywhere.

[–] thantik@lemmy.world 5 points 11 months ago (1 children)

If she'd prefer to stay home for new years...why aren't you offering to come over and spend the time with her? Why are you just going "ohkay byeeee"...

[–] zcd@lemmy.world 7 points 11 months ago (1 children)

Oh she said she wanted to be alone and wasn’t feeling very fun, so I took the hint

[–] thantik@lemmy.world 5 points 11 months ago* (last edited 11 months ago) (1 children)

If she said directly, she wanted to be alone -- fine. If she didn't say those words in that order though, I'd at least attempt to go take care of her (not in a sexual way, I mean if she's sick, or going out seems like a chore). Seen plenty of people in the pits of depression that have up/down cycles where they're feeling great, but when the time comes they dread going anywhere. Offer to go over and cook. Can't cook? Go try and give it your best shot. Find some recipes on the internet. People love being cooked for, so at least just offer. Don't press the issue hard, but people who want to be together find excuses to be together.

[–] agent_flounder@lemmy.world 15 points 11 months ago

I think if she cancelled and didn't offer an alternative (an easy thing to do if you want to see the person and don't want them to get the wrong idea), then the message is: not tonight. I don't think there is anything wrong with letting it go at that.