United States | News & Politics

Wednesday was “Liberation Day” at the White House — the day Donald Trump’s new tariffs would liberate us from the prosperity of the Biden economy — so Trump held a big announcement ceremony at the White House Rose Garden, which is so much better now that it’s uncontaminated by roses. We made a point of not livestreaming it for you yesterday, so you are very welcome.

Trump insisted that Liberation Day would be remembered forever as the day America became wealthy again, the day that he put a stop to foreign countries and “scavengers” constantly cheating America and “raping” our economy, and yes, that is exactly how he put it because he is a disgusting pig.

. . . Trump, always quick to throw in all the good news he can, began by claiming that winning two unfilled House seats in Florida Tuesday changed the GOP majority from one seat to seven, so you can have full confidence in whatever numbers he throws out about tariffs.

He explained that his long-delayed 25 percent tariff on all imported cars and trucks would go into effect immediately, and also insisted all the autoworkers in Michigan voted for him, especially the Teamsters, who we should add do not build automobiles.

Trump also lied, as he always does, that swapping tariffs for the income tax meant that “citizens, rather than foreign countries, would start paying the money necessary to run our government,” because no one will ever convince him that tariffs are paid by US buyers, not foreign countries.

Even more weirdly, he insisted that the Great Depression was the result of abandoning tariffs, a view held by perhaps seven economists, two of whom are actually stuffed toys. He regretted that the Smoot-Hawley tariff was simply too little, too late, so sad. Again, real economists and historians agree the tariff worsened the Depression, but we bet they all voted for that pinko Roosevelt.

Throughout the frenzied, stream-of-sociopathy address, Trump talked at an extremely rapid clip, and while I am but a humble Doktor of Rhetoric, not an MD, it seemed to me that he must have snorted at least quadruple his usual pre-speech intake of Adderall.

He griped about trade deficits as if they actually were paid out of Americans’ pockets, when they simply measure the difference between what we buy and what we sell. (As a rich nation, we buy many nice things!) We do not actually go broke when we buy more stuff from a given country than we sell to that country, but Trump considers that a very sneaky thing for those countries to have inflicted on us, because he is an idiot.

We should add that, in his speech at least, Trump seemed to forget his earlier online (multiple) suggestions that he is actually imposing tariffs on fentanyl, which being illegal is not generally taxed. He may return to that, however, because he is so confused/sundowning/in a state of not giving any shits about making sense at all.

. . .That chart immediately made big strong economists exclaim, with tears in their eyes, “Sir, that is some bullshit. Vietnam does not charge anything like a 90 percent tariff on US goods, sir, you fucking liar, sir.”

Trump’s claim that there’s any rational basis for the calculation is, of course, pure bullshit, as The New York Times explains (gift link).

. . . In conclusion, it is a brand new day of prosperity, and don’t you forget it, buster.