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Conversation with ex girlfriend:
Her: I just got my car back from the garage. They told me to keep an eye on the tyre wear, but I don't really know what that means or how to do it.
Me: I can show you how to do that if you like?
Her: I don't need you to mansplain things to me! MAN KNOW CAR THING, WOMAN NO DO.
I stopped myself from correcting her interpretation of mansplaining, because it was clear that any man was forbidden from communicating normally with her.
Glad she's an ex now.
"You said you didn't know. But i know. Leave gender out of this."
Why would this not work?
Sounds like you've only dated reasonable people.
I hoped for some examples, to learn from.
Okay, here's what I can share.
The problem is that some people are hot garbage at explaining what they're feeling while seeking emotional validation. In situations like this, they're in a place of distress where thinking through stuff is just hard. The dialogue that GP lays out has subtext that can only be deduced by reading the parts where she is angry. In this case, her angered response at closing a knowledge gap strongly suggests that she really just wanted to be heard and supported.
I think she might be bothered by the fact that the mechanic asked her to do something where she's out of her depth. This sets up the following thoughts in her mind:
... which is a recipe for embarrassment and vulnerability. And she's gonna carry that feeling home. GP should follow up with a dialogue that demonstrates care and support, so she can process all this. If she really wants material help, like proper auto care, she'll ask once she feels safe to do so.
That said, it's impossible to know for sure without confirming anything. To do that, we must be proactive with such people and ask smart questions up front to figure out where they want the conversation to go. But you're going to have a whole conversation about this so make sure you have the next 30-60 minutes available. Also, pack your patience, because this has 0% to do with you, your feelings, and your answers to "problems". Literally anyone is able to do this, but she trusts you to be there for her.
Say things like this:
Do not:
This may seem like a real chore to some people; it did to me at first. The "right" answer may seem like "teach a man to fish" and all that. It's so simple, right? But here's the rub: we should all be doing this, and we should all be so supported. Having your bad day met with "well, here's what you should have done instead" is just a miserable way to live.
And yeah, absolutely awful people abuse this framework, can't introspect, and/or never learn. It's possible you're in this situation right now, so be smart about it. Be mindful of patterns and ask to be heard in kind (reciprocate) when you think or feel you're being taken advantage of (e.g. "you keep coming to me for support for the same problem over and over and I feel used"). When your feelings are being dismissed, stepped on, or outright abused, that's the moment to re-think things. Seek help elsewhere.
This is a very well-considered comment but I don't think this is very good advice.
It is not reasonable to have a 30-60-minute one-sided conversation of feelings validation caused by someone asking you to do a routine task. Asking for help when you don't know something specific is a completely normal response. Acting very aggressively to your partner when they ask if you want them to explain (Not explaining immediately) is not a reasonable or proportionate response. I can't think of any situation where that is a justifiable response and I don't think everyone should be "supported" in that way.
The disproportionate response is a giveaway though that something else is wrong, either they were looking for an excuse to be angry or they were feeling especially insecure about the specific topic that they were corrected on. The relationship should be about acting as a team working to support each other, coming back and using your partner as an anger dump is a terrible behavior that will sow seeds of resentment and undermine any positive communication. That's why I would try to work out what the real issue is next, but be clear that the initial behavior was unacceptable.
I would also argue that the prevailing sentiment that when people come into a conversation after a bad time looking for validation of feelings giving solutions is wrong, is itself a bad take. For sure those conversations should start with validating the feelings and understanding what happened but ideally, they should finish with some discussion of solutions (If there can be one, some problems are open-ended, there may need even be a solution). I think this for two reasons, firstly it stops the topic from hanging over people by closing the topic and can give the other person a sense of having helped which alleviates the one-sided nature of the discussion. Secondly just validating feelings doesn't scale to the harder conversations, if you can't end a discussion about feeling insecure about car maintenance by learning how to do the maintenance, how the hell are you going to have a good conversation about whether your parent gets put into care that ends in a decision?
There is also an undercurrent of normalizing selfishness with some of the advice given out, not you specifically but this kind of advice is in the zeitgeist. Why is the person who is upset more valued in the discussion than the person who isn't? More specifically there is a narrative that someone that likes to give solutions to problems first is wrong and should be corrected. Which I think is a very unhealthy way of framing the issue, people need to have empathy for how others communicate and meet them halfway. "This person didn't comfort me how I would comfort them, I will now be angry at them" is not OK. It ignores the context of the fact that they did try and comfort you in their way which is worth something and also ignores the fact that if you try and comfort someone who likes solutions by engaging with feeling you will do just as bad a job. The person more engaged with emotions is not more correct by default there is no "correct" anyway. I think any long-term relationship that asks one or both of the people to fill a role that is defined by the other person's expectations is destined to fail. There is inherent friction in acting a part you don't understand that eventually leads to resentment.
"Ok, bye" is the only reasonable response.
Let me mansplain to you what mansplaining actually means.
Its only mansplaining if she already knows what it means. She clearly doesn't know. That's just plain explaining.
Here's a lifehack:
Modern problems require modern solutions
Dang, a reply from both, FlyingSquid and TPM within 12 hours. If that's no cause for a dab, IDK what is. ~*dabs*~.
Edit: guys, please stop downvoting and let me be cringe in peace.
Wow transmaxxing much?
Transminmaxing - time to optimise the fun out of everything
Itsatrap.jpeg
Girlfriend says something obviously wrong
You can call out word misuse without necessarily stepping into "mansplaining" territory.
Check out this dude trying to Montoyasplain us
But if they don't understand what mansplaining is (and are the type to use the word despite not understanding it), any explanation you offer is likely to be considered "mansplaining."
I mean, it's a trap and I know that. I still would.
I'm that guy.
Lol, my girl doesn’t know the right context for the phrase “gaslighting” and I just have to accept it.
Are you sure she doesn't, or is she gaslighting you? /s
😱
Ask her what she thinks mansplaining is and listen intently to the answer.
One of the biggest and best lessons I've learned is that it's OK for other people to be wrong. There's few situations in personal life where it's necessary to correct or educate others - they'll figure it out eventually.
I was taught a long time ago a simple idea ... Men hear a problem and try to solve it...”i don't know x" ok let me teach you" or "I can't get this thing to work" ok let me try if I can.
Women on initial compliant some times just want to know that you know they are struggling. Instead of "let me teach you” you could say "I'm sure you will understand" or "I know it's difficult but you got this".
Yes it varies by person some men prefer the latter and some women prefer the former. As with most things it's up to you to know your partner and what they want...
I don't recall where I heard this advice but someone once told me that when he's in this situation he asks his SO "do you want solutions or to vent?" Probably doesn't work for everyone but I liked the idea
Sometimes that works other times it gets so much worse
Presume they want to vent.
Someone who wants to vent gets mad if you try to explain.
Someone who wants and explanation won't get mad if you talk to them if they want to vent.
Take the safe bet everytime.
If they're wrong it's just explaining and no amount of instagram posts and dumb takes will change that.
If she didn't understand what mansplaining is, it isn't mansplaining when correcting her.
Even if it isn't, she'll perceive it as mansplaining due to her incorrect understanding of the term. Our boy here's damned either way.
I have a term also: Fem-terrogating
Are you new here? Where do you work? What do you do for work? Does that pay well? Are you married? Ad infinitum...
I simply answer that I don't want to man-splain things.
Man-splaining isn't any man explaining anything, it specifically refers to man's tendency to assume women have very little knowledge and condescension while explaining. You can answer questions???
I do like fem-terrogation though
pull up the definition on your phone and just hand it to her.
"Don't you phonesplain to me!"
She did it on purpose to troll you. It’s 5D chess, you’re not even ready
Trigger her! Explain why she's wrong.
An easy trigger. "Mansplanning is a sexist term used to further divide the populous."
How about: Wait, let me illustrate how mansplaining works...
